15 weeks, 5 days

15 weeks, 5 days

15 weeks, 5 days. February 9, 2017.

Still a few days until my next appointment (Tuesday 2/14). Until today I didn’t mind having to wait. But now it feels far away. Ah, well, I’m sure it’ll go quickly since the wait spans a weekend! I don’t feel so well today (maybe I ate one too many cookies). I had some ginger tea, and now I feel a bit better. Though I’m tired. I didn’t fall asleep until after 12, and woke up at 6. I think when S coughs in the morning or gets up, I wake up. And then I’m uncomfortable and can’t fall back asleep and don’t want to cuddle and I get a bit crabby. Sorry, S. Blame the hormones.

Anyway … story time!  I haven’t decided if I’m going to publish this post yet… but I’ll write anyway. It’s what I do.

Sometime about 3 weeks ago, I was a bit crabby in the morning over work, so I thought I’d switch gears and focus positive energy on the baby, which I often do when I’m feeling down about work. I like to read my test results, and the fertility clinic was really good about uploading everything to the patient portal. Often, I would browse through the documents and read everything in detail: the genetic testing, etc. It makes me feel even more connected. This was after we got the results back from the panorama DNA screening. I wanted to know exactly what the results said (which, I have to say are interesting – not bad at all).

However, I also knew that it had reported the gender, as Nurse M mentioned it. She said she’d make a note that I didn’t want to know. Sounded good. To be honest, I really thought I would be able to look at one page of risk screening and the gender would be somewhere else. Normally these test results have many pages. Honestly. What I did not expect was for the gender to be the largest font on this one page of test results. Smack – right in the center of the page. There was no way I could have avoided it, other than not reading the test results at all. (But I like to do that!)

So, yes, I know the gender of my baby. I felt so silly when I read it. There I was, sitting at my desk at work, all alone, and that’s how I found it. I still laugh when I think about it. How anti-climatic. But exciting, of course. I knew I had to tell someone or I was going to explode. I knew S and my mom didn’t want to know the gender, and I didn’t want to ruin their surprise. Thus, I did what any normal woman would do: I emailed my best friend and swore her to secrecy. She is the only one I’ve told (and she lives in another city, so it’s not like it’ll come out in conversation).

As I’ve told best friend, I like having this secret. It makes me smile, to be closer to baby. And to everyone else in the world, I’ve just pretended I don’t know (sorry, A, I have to keep this a secret for now)! It’s interesting hearing people’s thoughts on knowing or not knowing. For me, I’m glad to know. It helps with the bonding. No, I’m not giving any hints as to boy or girl.

I almost cracked last weekend when S asked me, “So, what do you think – boy or girl?” I relayed my earlier guess to him. He asked if I wanted to know. And I said, probably. S asked why. I said I think it would be good for imagining baby and bonding. He said that makes sense, and if I want to know, he’ll find out with me. S will be happy either way because he has a son and daughter.

My dilemma: when do I tell S that I know? Should I think of a cute way to tell him? I don’t think he wants to know yet. But maybe after the next appointment (S will be able to join this time) – when he can hear the heartbeat and see baby again, he’ll want to know. That’s Valentine’s Day. I could wrap up cute little socks or something. But, I’m still afraid to buy anything. Maybe I’ll feel better about that after next week’s appointment.

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